Trying to make clarity out of a mirky mind...
No hope, none whatsoever.
My body is ticking, waiting to explode from the
     inside out.
So many emotions bursting out from my heart,
     mind and soul - if theyre even still there...
How can you be human, let alone sane, if you cant
     even decipher you inner workings?
A war is being waged inside my body against my
      will.
Love and hate fighting on the same teams, and on
     both teams.
I dont know who I should lvoe and who I should let
     go.....
They both make so much sense now,
But what matters most to me- stability or
     tenderness and understanding- if they both
     include a strong love?
Perhaps I really am two people in one body...
All I know is someone is going to get hurt....
IT WILL BE ME, BUT WHO ELSE?
I'll be left alone in the shadows in the end, as
     always...
But this time by my own invention, not deaths...
Perhaps I have this second new side, new love, new
     view, to fill the voids death has left in my life...
There is pressure from every side to choose and
     achieve.
Those closest to me demand a decision they think
     should be easy:
"Who do you love the most" and "What do YOU
     want?"
I STILL DONT KNOOW!
I cant meet their goals.
Ive fallen so far, so fast.
There seems to be no exit sign here.....
The pressure to get out and go on just keeps
     putting me farther away.
I cant make up for all the work I missed, while
     keeping up for college-which once was my only
     care in life- now its ing the shitter.
NO I CANT FILL MY MOMS SHOES!
SORRY IM NOT THAT GOOD!
I cant pull back together everything she had held
     together under her finger.
I cant know all she knew, find everything she had
     for you.
"Oh and while youre at it, dont disappoint your
     mom by not earning this award."
Yes, let me do that while I crumble to peices, that
     metal wont matter much to anyone in the
      aftermath.
"BUt dont do that, it would disappoint Judy." "Now
     mama wouldnt have liked this." "You know your
     mom wouldnt allow that."
What do you know?
YOU didnt know her at all, trust me!
Im SEVENfuckingTEEN!
No I dont know how to consolidate the debts left to
     me, No I dont understand Policy 45 under the
     Death Contract, no I cant fix my life and health
     insurance myself- Im doing well to schedule my
     migraine/gyno/ey/therapy/physical/blood doctor
     appointments.
SEVENTEEN, ONE SEVEN, NOT SEVEN ONE
"Ash take care of your grandparents now, theyre
     really upset over this."
What, on top of- taking care of myself entirely,
     burying both of my parents, organizing the
     funeral by myself, dealing with the overload of
     papers, debts, lawyers, and loopholes, being an
     A student, getting into a great college, fixing the
     cheerleading team, fixing Twilight Camp, fixing
     the Service Unit for all of Scott County, earning
     my Gold Award, being in 10 clubs, doing
     community service, and running the Girl Scout
     troop- take care of your grandparents and aunt
     (just dont piss HER off...
And oh yea, SMILE while youre at it, wouldnt want
     anyone to know youre self-destructing- they
     cant handle these type things well.
I DONT HANDLE THESE THINGS WELL!
Just one final question:
Whos supposed to fix me, take care of me, save me, and tell me its all going to work out- relax?!??
My only way free is to RUN, and the only place
     where my mind will be free is HOME....
BUT WHAT DO I DO IF HOME IS A PERSON-not a
     place- AND THAT PERSON IS
  
              SIX
                        FEET
                                     UNDER?
                                                       .............